Spoiler: It’s not all coffee dates and instant connections.

Making friends has never really been at the top of my to-do list. Not because I think it’s unimportant—I do—but because of who I am as a person. I’ve always been naturally self-sufficient. My mom once said, half-laughing, half-serious, “If you ever get lost, I won’t even worry. You’ll figure it out.” And honestly? She’s not wrong.

I’m not the most outgoing person in the room. I don’t radiate friendliness the way some people do. But I’ve always believed in showing up sincerely. I don’t approach people with hidden motives (I promise, I’m not going to try to sell you an insurance plan 😆). If we talk and connect, it’s real. And somehow, maybe because I’m open with my stories and curious about others, I’ve found that making friends—even while living abroad—hasn’t been as hard as I once feared.

Still, there are things no one really tells you about making friends in a different country. It’s not the kind of topic that gets covered in orientation sessions or travel vlogs. It’s something you live and learn—sometimes awkwardly, sometimes beautifully. Here’s what I’ve picked up along the way.

1. Observe and Open Up (Without Losing Yourself)

When I moved to Belgium for my Master’s, I noticed something immediately: people there were… different. Culturally different. They weren’t unfriendly, but they were more reserved. More direct. They didn’t do the small talk thing that Indonesians love. A simple “How are you?” in Indonesia often leads to a ten-minute chat. In Belgium? It’s just a polite greeting. Nothing more, nothing less.

At first, I pulled back. I stuck with fellow Indonesian students. It was safe, familiar, and comforting. But eventually, I knew I had to open up—not just to make friends, but to really experience where I was. And when I did, I realized something important: I didn’t have to dim my warmth or change who I was. People accepted me as I was. The “coldness” I had assumed turned out to be just a different communication style.

The key was observation and gentle openness. Let people be who they are, but don’t hide who you are either.

2. Learn the Language—Even a Little Goes a Long Way

You don’t need to be fluent to make an impression. Sometimes, a simple “hello” in someone’s language can soften the space between strangers.

When I studied in Italy, I learned just enough Italian to survive the canteen line. I could say what I wanted to eat, count from one to ten, and maybe ask basic questions. It wasn’t much, but my lab mates were so excited when they heard me try. Their eyes lit up. It was like I had passed a secret friendship test without even knowing it.

The same thing happened in Mexico and Spain. My Spanish was far from perfect (it still is), but people were so patient and kind. They never made me feel small or silly for trying. And that’s a lesson I’ll carry with me: language is not just a skill, it’s a bridge. A humble “gracias” or “buongiorno” can open doors that perfect grammar sometimes can’t.

3. Speak It, Even If It’s Not Perfect

It’s one thing to learn a language. It’s another to use it. I’ve met so many people who tell me, “I’m not ready to speak yet.” But the truth is, you might never feel ready. And that’s okay.

The function of language is communication—not perfection. I had studied English since elementary school and even taught private English lessons before moving abroad. But the real shift in my ability came when I had to use English as my survival tool in Belgium. Not in a classroom. In real life. In banks, markets, university meetings, and during bus delays.

I wasn’t just “learning” English anymore—I was living in it.

So don’t wait. Speak with mistakes. Speak with pauses. Speak even when your accent is thick and your vocabulary is limited. That’s how you grow.

4. Don’t Box Your Friendship Game

Sometimes we limit ourselves without even realizing it. We think friends need to be people the same age, the same interests, the same background. But when you’re living abroad, friendships can (and should) come from everywhere.

My first friends in Mexico? Not classmates. Not colleagues. Not even neighbors. It was the vendors in the local mercado. Yes, the ones selling chicken, tomatoes, and avocados. My early Spanish conversations were about grams and pesos, not politics or personal life. But those daily exchanges? They made me feel like I belonged.

So don’t box your “friendship game.” Be open to the person next to you in line, the elderly neighbor, the kid who says hi when you walk by. Sometimes your most authentic connections come from the most unexpected places.

5. Respect the Norms, Even When It’s Hard

Living abroad means living in someone else’s home. It’s not just about adapting to the weather or the food—it’s about respecting the values, traditions, and sensitivities of the people around you.

There are times I’ve felt frustrated. One recent example? The housing crisis in Barcelona. Even though I came to Spain legally and contribute through taxes, I’ve still struggled to find a place to rent. But I also understand that I’m not the only one affected—locals are facing the same challenges.

That’s why I felt uncomfortable seeing other foreigners promoting real estate purchases in Spain like it was just another “investment opportunity.” For me, that perspective felt disconnected from the everyday struggles of the people who actually live here and call this place home.

So while it’s okay to have opinions, I try to be mindful. I don’t always voice my frustrations loudly, especially on sensitive topics. Instead, I choose empathy. It’s the least I can do as someone lucky enough to be a guest in someone else’s country.

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What no one tells you about making friends abroad is how weirdly beautiful it is. Yes, it can be awkward, and sometimes lonely. Yes, it’s easy to feel misunderstood or out of sync. But then, slowly, you start to find your people. Not all at once, but in little moments.

Like when a classmate helps you figure out a confusing form. Or when the café barista remembers your name. Or when you have your first “real” conversation in a new language and realize—you’re doing it. You’re actually doing it.

Making friends abroad isn’t just about expanding your social circle. It’s about expanding your heart. It’s about learning to show up, to stay open, and to find belonging in unfamiliar places.

So if you’re somewhere new, wondering when you’ll find “your people,” take a breath. It’s coming. Show up. Share your stories. Learn their stories. And trust that even in a new country, you can be someone’s home.